Maybe you’re familiar with compound interest. If you are into the world of finances, it’s likely that this term has special meaning for you. If not… So here’s my uneducated definition of the term. Compound interest is like adding more to that which you already have, based on what you already have. So, it’s like putting away $1 and if you got 10% interest daily, the next day you’d have $1.10, and then the next day $1.21, and then $1.33 so that each time interest was added you’d get 10% on whatever you had before the interest was added; and not on the original deposit that you made. Got it?
That’s how I feel the disinterest and negativity of sexual abuse has affected me. It’s like that first instance of being abused has translated into even more abuse. Sometimes I’d wonder if I had been assigned my own black cloud. It didn’t matter where I went or who I came into contact with, they added their own variety of abuse into my life. I almost felt as if I was destined to be abused since it happened so many times by so many people. That later led to the feeling that since one person didn’t care, neither did any other.
Each person who abused me sexually cared little, had very little interest in my well being. Each subsequent rapist felt less interested in my health, in my sanity, in me. This lack of interest was compounded with each subsequent act of violation. The more they added up, the less I felt worthy of anything, of anyone.
Compound disinterest is an incredibly difficult spiral to untangle yourself from. But it is possible. To do so you’ve got to recognize the pattern that being abused has put you into, and reject it. It’s not easily done, but well worth the effort. Every day you need to remind yourself of your value – even, and especially if you don’t believe you have any. Fake it until you make it. Just remember that beautiful diamond that you’ve come to love was once seen as nothing but a lump of coal.