What Now?

Okay, so I’ve “come out” about being abused.  What now?  What am I supposed to do now? Do I get to wallow in the “woeismes”? (woe is me) Do I get to be an angry woman? Do I become super kind so that I don’t cause harm to another? Do I forgive? Do I forget? CAN I forget? Do I want to forget? If this has made me a part of who I am today, how am I supposed to ‘like’ who I am today?  Would that mean that I ‘liked’ being molested? What if some part of the molestation was ‘enjoyable’ (meaning, sexually )? Was I still molested if I was able to feel some physical enjoyment? Why would my own body betray me? Did my body betray me or was it doing what it was created to do?

So. Many. Questions.

But most important is “What now?”. What am I supposed to do know with all of these thoughts and feelings and questions? Ugh. Do I even NEED to answer these questions? Is it possible to just ‘be’, in spite of it all? What would just being even look like? I mean, it’s only been through the act of ‘doing’ that I even feel remotely human/worthwhile.  So, if I stop doing and start being where will I find my worth? Wait — do I even have any worth?! IF so, is it as a sexual being or sexual object?  If it isn’t, then why was I treated that way for so many years?

It’s. All. Too. Confusing.

What now? After therapy and after ‘telling’ and after praying – WHAT DO I DO?!! I can’t just do nothing.  It’s in the nothingness that I find the most pain.  The nothingness is so quiet that all of the thoughts I’ve accumulated over the years believe that’s their signal to speak – and all at once. The nothingness is a hole that I can fall into and not find a way out. I mean, can you take ‘something’ from ‘nothing’???

So. Many. Questions.

Maybe for now I just need to keep moving forward.  That is, assuming the direction I’m going in now is forward. Who knows? Surely not I. Maybe what I think isn’t progress really is progress. Maybe asking the questions is a step forward – even WITHOUT the answers! Many there are no answers and the work is to get to the questions. Or maybe the answers are in the questions.

It’s. All. Too. Confusing.

Know what I think? I think that for now I will need to continue to formulate questions. I mean, there are no answers without questions, right?

Keep asking.  Keep asking.  Keep asking – you WILL find your answers.  That’s what I’ll do for now.

3 thoughts on “What Now?

  1. It’s . All. Too. Confusing.

    I swear !! But yet everything you’ve said makes sense. Although we always think we need answers , all the work REALLY is in the questions. That’s when you think, and feel and analyze, and try! And honestly even if we got the answers, THEN what? What THEN?

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s