So, I’m finding that there’s still a very thin line between feeling comfortable with your body and feeling comfortable giving someone else access to your body. One of the most profound impacts my abuse has had on me is my desire NOT to be touched. I mean, I kinda like being touched–sometimes, but my goodness it’s very difficult allowing someone else to touch my body. It seems like the more I feel like I’ve gained some ‘control’ (total illusion, that control is) over my thoughts regarding safety and body awareness, somehow that button gets pushed and the big red flashing lights come right back at me.
In my marriage, this was a constant issue. While of course you want to be desired, accepting that and letting that be okay (all the time) was a HUGE trial for me. Sometimes it could feel like my ONLY WORTH IS MY BODY. Like I’m here to ‘give pleasure’ to others — without regard to how I might be feeling myself in a moment. As one can imagine, this is NOT a very good set up for a marriage – and especially not for a marriage with a hyper sexual male… There’s so much ‘stimulation’ that has to occur with me — and it’s TOTALLY NOT PHYSICAL. My mind is really my only sexual organ. LOL. Okay, maybe not the only, but it’s certainly the MOST IMPORTANT. And truthfully, I believe that whether one has suffered abuse or not, the mind is the REAL sex organ. So here’s the challenge: Not having a meaningful conversation that is NOT about sex, that puts me at ease enough to realize that I WANT to have sex. It’s not that I don’t want sex or don’t enjoy sex, but it’s really more about needing to be COMPLETELY comfortable and at ease before any sexual activity can take place. And WHO has time for that??!! Certainly not most marriages with children. Heck, some days you can barely get time to pee alone, so making time for love making… Yeah, there’s not always that one hour of talking that I need before relaxing enough to ground myself into knowing that I am here with you of my own volition. I want to be here… It’s such a challenge. UGH.
So yes, it is MY body and I should get to choose who and when it is touched by someone else, but exactly how does that work in a marriage where you claim to be one- to surrender your self to the “ownership” (don’t sue me) of another? Where your body becomes theirs and vice versa? Yes, that’s a challenge for someone walking the slim, tight rope of recovery and healing. And unfortunately there’s no “Big Book” to walk you through this recovery. Well, not until now. LOL. This is my very own “big book”. I too need God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I cannot change the fact that I have been repeatedly sexually abused. I can face this thing head on and begin a healing process. And I know that no matter how many times I go in my head and retreat back in time, I cannot undo or redo what is done, but today, yes today I can still move forward to becoming the light-bearing soul that God would have me to be. Namaste.