Starting Over

This is perfect. This is supposed to be my FIRST blog post, but it really isn’t.  I started yesterday.  And as luck would have it, it’s gone… Floating somewhere, I’m sure, in the Netherlands of cloud haven. SMH.  But what a great opportunity to create the perfect title! Starting Over. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing.  Not just on WordPress, but also in life.  In so many ways. Divorce is almost final – about a month to go. Just waiting for the decree. Therapy is about to begin again for the ___th time. And I am in the midst of dealing with all of this ‘newness’ ALL BY MYSELF.  So, instead of going it alone, I figured I’d invite you along for the journey.
So, why am I writing this now?  Why not? Writing is cathartic – or can be anyway. My hope is that by putting these thoughts, memories, hopes and dreams on “paper”, I am willing all of the toxic residue of a life interrupted. There are so many things I want to say and even more that I HAVE to say; but where to begin?
I guess I’ll start with the topic – just say it- get it out and begin again.
I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED.
There it’s out there! Now, this isn’t my first time saying it out loud.  I even did a television program about it.  I’ll share the link – Protecting Our Children. When I did that it was a very last minute decision.  Actually, I took so long hey said that they didn’t really need another perspective.  Oh, heck no!!! I spent nights awake trying to figure out how to do this and now you say you don’t need me????  I think not!!  Find the space!  And so they did!  And I exited my physical body and told some of the story. As I watch it now I chuckle.  I was sooooo not present for that interview. Well, there were moments that ‘one of us’ appeared. (I’ll introduce you to the rest of us a bit later.) Anyway, it’ll be on here for your viewing pleasure, if you so choose.  It’s my hope that this blog will be therapeutic for me and for you. That we can laugh and cry together. Remember together and forget together.  But most importantly, all that we do will be together. Because sometimes NO ONE understands us like we do.  Survivors. (Oh I’ll explain the title later. Back to the abuse.
So, I was sexually abused.
What exactly does that mean? For me it means that there were people who took it upon themselves to use my body for their physical pleasure – before I was old enough to consent – or without my consent.
I was abused from 4 or 5 (don’t remember)- 16 while living at home, and then again while in college. And sexually harassed at my first summer job after graduate school.
Yes, I was a walking vagina… or so it felt. Truthfully, that’s what I am NOW saying. ÂI didn’t feel like much of anything while this was going on. Sigh.
But here I am – starting over. And this time I am determined to stand up for myself. To listen to my inner voice when it says to ‘run’, or don’t trust him (or her).
I am starting over but not at the starting line because… I’ve done this.  I’m no toddler, teenager nor young adult. I am a woman. A 53 year old woman, and I will start somewhat in the middle. And I will WIN! I win this time because at the end of it all I know that I matter. I finally know that I matter.  Yes, ME.  And guess what? That means YOU matter too! This race, like all the others I’ve run, will be grueling. There will be steep hills, bumps in the road, and lots and lots of soreness. But keep going. Keep going and growing because there is no finish line. Not in this race. You get to stop when you have worn tired. Stop and rest, but you’ve got to tie your laces and get back in the race.
Every single day we are all STARTING OVER.

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